[ it's part of the reason why he's willing to bring up such a terribly heavy topic, the moment before an ending, after a successful conclusion - buzen would get it. that, and maybe, he'd like to lean on his optimism a little, on his cheer. he lets him into his space with no trouble, gaze focused outwards. ]
It will.
[ fate has a means for everyone. sometimes it can be bent, or twisted, but in the end, there is always a finality to it. that's what she would say, too. if vax closes his eyes, he can almost imagine it - the eternity of strings surrounding his god and everything they mean. ]
's part of why I wanted to talk to him, Dreamer. Shale- Cad, Cad and I are from the same place, and so's Dreamer, according to him. Actions like Dreamer's - The Raven Queen will want to deal with him personally. Figure I'd drag him by the ear to her.
... Someone today was talking about how they wanted to make the Prism a place for the dead to come back to, if they wanted. 's sweet, but - I don't know how to tell anyone that I don't want to come back. I can't. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
[ . . . . buzen just huffs a little bit at that. the prism being a place to put all their departed? he shakes his head at that, a little amused.]
Well-intentioned but... if a sword that was here breaks, and we end up here... does that mean they wouldn't get to be where their masters are? If our souls even go to the same place... it's hard to say.
[buzen doesn't know if he'd want that either. once he's gone... would he want to be here? or would he want to accept whatever it is that awaits him, on those winds that sweep through history?]
... you have a duty, don't you, Vax-san? A promise that you're meant to keep once you leave here.
I do. Think I told you before, a little, that I'm supposed to help guide lost spirits - that's a part of it.
[ he glances outwards again, mulling over everything buzen says. and then just... lets it out, the full story. ]
... I offered my soul to the Raven Queen in exchange for my sister's life. Took on the mantle as her champion. I'll be with her until the end of eternity - she's the god of death.
I gave up my mortal form right before I came here. This place was always just going to be a detour.
[buzen nods - it's not like he'd forgotten. vax had told him weeks ago that this was the case and... well, buzen isn't really the type to be surprised? it's more or less deciding to be a shinigami, isn't it?
and he feels like that's probably not something that you come back from, once you take it on.]
... then there are lost spirits who need you. And it can be hard, when your loved ones want to cherish you more than those strangers that they've never met. You can't even really blame them for it.
[ . . . ]
But I think that's the hard thing about duty.
At some point it stops being something you choose.
[ yeah. that's exactly it. he turns his head a bit, giving him a little bit of a smile.
it's a reminder of his last moments in his world. of the field of snowdrops, of vex's goodbye. of percy and keyleth who refused to accept it, who told him so. of how leaving his sister was the hardest thing he's ever done. ]
It took me a long time to accept it, but I have, and I've given myself over to Her fully. Just... can't make anyone else accept it along with me, and I'm not really sure I should. [ but...
vax'ildan pauses, here. something softens in his expression and he curls his fingers around the token in his hand. ]
...I chose it for her. Vex'ahlia. I'd choose it a thousand times over, if it meant that she'd get to live out a long, happy life. Even if it wasn't fated, I would've done it anyway.
[ . . . buzen nods. that, he understands a little bit less, but.]
... betraying your duty that you chose for your sister would be like betraying the love that drove you to it?
[if he could take a guess. he looks out over the views and nods to himself]
... mm. I went through hell for Matsu - one of the Gous. It's... not quite the same, but it may as well have been. I didn't need to be there and I didn't need to stain my blade and my body in quite so much blood. But... even if it wasn't assigned to me, I would've. For him.
But it's hard to expect the other people who love us to accept it. [he glances over at vax] ... So how're you doing?
If others are treating it like this might be their last moments with you.
[ buzen got the more complicated meaning first, but it's actually even more simple. ] My soul for hers. If I selfishly chose to live, she'd take her instead.
...But, I don't want that, anyway. This was my fate, and - I'm glad. Gave me a purpose.
[ something that vax'ildan was so deeply lacking most of his life. something he desperately needed - and though it took him a while to get to it, running terrified from death, from his own ending, now, he knows it was fate. he's fate touched, after all.
vaxildan listens to buzen story, quietly, and nods. it's another place that they're similar - doing everything you can to protect the people they love. he's come to expect that from buzen, after all, and his expression is quietly appreciative. for someone who isn't very human, he gets it.
... though. "how are you feeling". that's a question.
he purses his lips, thinking. ] ... I don't know.
Guilty, I think. Sad. [ that feels easy. ] But not like I want to turn back. You know?
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It will.
[ fate has a means for everyone. sometimes it can be bent, or twisted, but in the end, there is always a finality to it. that's what she would say, too. if vax closes his eyes, he can almost imagine it - the eternity of strings surrounding his god and everything they mean. ]
's part of why I wanted to talk to him, Dreamer. Shale- Cad, Cad and I are from the same place, and so's Dreamer, according to him. Actions like Dreamer's - The Raven Queen will want to deal with him personally. Figure I'd drag him by the ear to her.
... Someone today was talking about how they wanted to make the Prism a place for the dead to come back to, if they wanted. 's sweet, but - I don't know how to tell anyone that I don't want to come back. I can't. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.
no subject
Well-intentioned but... if a sword that was here breaks, and we end up here... does that mean they wouldn't get to be where their masters are? If our souls even go to the same place... it's hard to say.
[buzen doesn't know if he'd want that either. once he's gone... would he want to be here? or would he want to accept whatever it is that awaits him, on those winds that sweep through history?]
... you have a duty, don't you, Vax-san? A promise that you're meant to keep once you leave here.
no subject
[ he glances outwards again, mulling over everything buzen says. and then just... lets it out, the full story. ]
... I offered my soul to the Raven Queen in exchange for my sister's life. Took on the mantle as her champion. I'll be with her until the end of eternity - she's the god of death.
I gave up my mortal form right before I came here. This place was always just going to be a detour.
no subject
and he feels like that's probably not something that you come back from, once you take it on.]
... then there are lost spirits who need you. And it can be hard, when your loved ones want to cherish you more than those strangers that they've never met. You can't even really blame them for it.
[ . . . ]
But I think that's the hard thing about duty.
At some point it stops being something you choose.
no subject
it's a reminder of his last moments in his world. of the field of snowdrops, of vex's goodbye. of percy and keyleth who refused to accept it, who told him so. of how leaving his sister was the hardest thing he's ever done. ]
It took me a long time to accept it, but I have, and I've given myself over to Her fully. Just... can't make anyone else accept it along with me, and I'm not really sure I should. [ but...
vax'ildan pauses, here. something softens in his expression and he curls his fingers around the token in his hand. ]
...I chose it for her. Vex'ahlia. I'd choose it a thousand times over, if it meant that she'd get to live out a long, happy life. Even if it wasn't fated, I would've done it anyway.
no subject
... betraying your duty that you chose for your sister would be like betraying the love that drove you to it?
[if he could take a guess. he looks out over the views and nods to himself]
... mm. I went through hell for Matsu - one of the Gous. It's... not quite the same, but it may as well have been. I didn't need to be there and I didn't need to stain my blade and my body in quite so much blood. But... even if it wasn't assigned to me, I would've. For him.
But it's hard to expect the other people who love us to accept it. [he glances over at vax] ... So how're you doing?
If others are treating it like this might be their last moments with you.
no subject
[ buzen got the more complicated meaning first, but it's actually even more simple. ] My soul for hers. If I selfishly chose to live, she'd take her instead.
...But, I don't want that, anyway. This was my fate, and - I'm glad. Gave me a purpose.
[ something that vax'ildan was so deeply lacking most of his life. something he desperately needed - and though it took him a while to get to it, running terrified from death, from his own ending, now, he knows it was fate. he's fate touched, after all.
vaxildan listens to buzen story, quietly, and nods. it's another place that they're similar - doing everything you can to protect the people they love. he's come to expect that from buzen, after all, and his expression is quietly appreciative. for someone who isn't very human, he gets it.
... though. "how are you feeling". that's a question.
he purses his lips, thinking. ] ... I don't know.
Guilty, I think. Sad. [ that feels easy. ] But not like I want to turn back. You know?