[he can see it, it's just that-- he has so little experience with this. with what to do with it. both with vax and with himself, to an extent, because he's certainly closer to percy than anyone else who has died or killed thus far. he's seen his memories-- emet-selch thought if it could be helped at all, then surely he could manage not to go through with something like this.
it sits strangely inside him, that feeling, but it's certainly far stronger in vax.]
...if you are certain of this, then I shall not ask them of the matter. But if you are not, if there is the slightest doubt of it in your mind, then voice it. And I shall.
[ grief is a beast, isn't it? it's vast, and massive, and it lives in vax's chest, bigger than trinket, bigger than a dragon, the beast he's been fighting in his entire life.
his hands are still shaking. even now that time has passed, that he's been brought here, vax's hands are still trembling. he's just so angry - and the guilt comes with it, like a knife in his gut, instead.
he thinks about percy's face. about the words - i'm the monster - and he thinks about vex'ahlia, and promise me. ]
It has to be me. [ there's no waver to that, at least. ] I promised. I made him a promise.
he's just still like a statue, for a moment longer, considering the weight of that word, refracted. emet's request comes through like it comes through water, and when he turns his head to look at him, he just looks...
...sad, really. vulnerable.
...but, woodenly, he will follow as told, and sits down on emet's bed. ]
he doesn't seem to mind, at least. for the moment, he's just sort of numb, folding his hands together in his lap, and... emet's comment actually gets a very soft laugh. ]
...couldn't tell. [ it's a weak joke, but it's a little of his normal humor. ]
stay like this, huh. vax's feelings are a maelstrom, at the moment - grief and despair and loss, anger and fury and a thousand other things - and maybe a steady presence is what he needs right now.
it's welcome. vax is tense - like, really tense, and has been since the trial started to tick to its inevitable conclusion - but, with the presence of someone else that he's allowed in...
... some of that tension melts out of his shoulders, into just a bone deep exhaustion. vax leans into it, a little, and closes his eyes, face turning against the side of his chest. tomorrow, he'll do his duty. his purpose. tomorrow, he'll do what he hoped he would never, never have to, just days ago.
[all that can be hoped for, right now, is for it to be enough.
vax leans into him a little, and he exhales a breath he didn't fully know he was holding, letting him settle there.
it's going to be hard, tomorrow, emet-selch is sure of that. if he doesn't want to be alone after, he'll be allowed back. for now, though, he's not sure what to say and so he doesn't, just staying here in silence, present. vax can stay as long as he wants.]
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it sits strangely inside him, that feeling, but it's certainly far stronger in vax.]
...if you are certain of this, then I shall not ask them of the matter. But if you are not, if there is the slightest doubt of it in your mind, then voice it. And I shall.
[vax sounds sure, but. one more time.]
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his hands are still shaking. even now that time has passed, that he's been brought here, vax's hands are still trembling. he's just so angry - and the guilt comes with it, like a knife in his gut, instead.
he thinks about percy's face. about the words - i'm the monster - and he thinks about vex'ahlia, and promise me. ]
It has to be me. [ there's no waver to that, at least. ] I promised. I made him a promise.
... Even at home. I promised.
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[he exhales the words, quiet. a little less steel to them.]
What did you promise him?
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[ ... doesn't need to say much more than that, does he? ]
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emet-selch is quiet, for a few moments.]
I will leave it in your hands, should this place allow it.
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vax is so fucking tired. ]
... He was possessed, by this place. Shale said it was 'refracting.'
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...what jiuqing said she used on kazunari. maybe it worked after all. maybe it was simply delayed. but--
even if it did, she doesn't have it now, and it sounds like no one else does.
fuck. he just-- exhales a puff of a breath through his nose.]
...sit, Vax.
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he's just still like a statue, for a moment longer, considering the weight of that word, refracted. emet's request comes through like it comes through water, and when he turns his head to look at him, he just looks...
...sad, really. vulnerable.
...but, woodenly, he will follow as told, and sits down on emet's bed. ]
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emet-selch sits with him, though, next to him, not bothering to keep a distance as he usually might to begin with.]
...I am unpracticed in this.
[he admits, eventually. emet-selch is not one for whom comfort comes naturally.]
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he doesn't seem to mind, at least. for the moment, he's just sort of numb, folding his hands together in his lap, and... emet's comment actually gets a very soft laugh. ]
...couldn't tell. [ it's a weak joke, but it's a little of his normal humor. ]
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Then you must certainly not be looking.
[the faintest quirk of a corner of his mouth.]
But- you may stay. If you wish to.
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stay like this, huh. vax's feelings are a maelstrom, at the moment - grief and despair and loss, anger and fury and a thousand other things - and maybe a steady presence is what he needs right now.
he shifts, a little, looking down at his hands. ]
... for a little while, yeah.
[ and leans a little against his arm. ]
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vax leans against him, and after several moments of internal debate, that arm just slides around him instead.]
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it's welcome. vax is tense - like, really tense, and has been since the trial started to tick to its inevitable conclusion - but, with the presence of someone else that he's allowed in...
... some of that tension melts out of his shoulders, into just a bone deep exhaustion. vax leans into it, a little, and closes his eyes, face turning against the side of his chest. tomorrow, he'll do his duty. his purpose. tomorrow, he'll do what he hoped he would never, never have to, just days ago.
... tomorrow.
for now, this is enough. ]
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vax leans into him a little, and he exhales a breath he didn't fully know he was holding, letting him settle there.
it's going to be hard, tomorrow, emet-selch is sure of that. if he doesn't want to be alone after, he'll be allowed back. for now, though, he's not sure what to say and so he doesn't, just staying here in silence, present. vax can stay as long as he wants.]