[ he could. he could do it now, he could gut him like an animal and percy would thank him the entire time the knife dragged down from clavicle to navel. he would beg and thank him until he couldn't anymore.
he watches, the hand on his knife. he waits. ]
I can't escape it, Vax... it's...
[ he growls, twisting a handful of his own hair in his hand. ]
I said. It's. Inside me. Whatever this is. It's... it's here.
[ this is so fucking hateful i fucking hate you so much
this is not -- it's not the first time he's seen percy like this. that just makes it worse, doesn't it. for not the first time, either, he desperately, desperately, wishes vex'ahlia was here. vex would be able to fix this. she'd know what to do. she wouldn't - she would be able to -
(the first solution to this shouldn't be murder. i don't think so, either.
take off the mask, darling.)
but vax'ildan isn't as soft as vex, is he? he's not as well rounded, his hands are crueler, his memories colder, and he can't just convince percy to come back home. he just stares at him for a moment, like that, holding the knife - heartbeat ratcheting up in his throat, and the taste of something in his mouth like fury. like fear. ]
[ his hand twists on the handle of the knife. ]
It's coming out. [ that's all, at first.
that string has to be cut.
there has to be another way. there has to be. ] You couldn't say anything.
[ he shakes his head. he waits, his shoulders heaving slowly until he can find the word inside of himself. ]
From the time we began to... not long before the end...
[ quietly: ] I felt like what I'd done was right. The entire time. I watched and I helped and I waited and the time... it ticked downwards and I just knew that everything that I'd done was correct. Everything. And then suddenly...
[ he swallows, his voice caught. ] I knew it could only be me. Not you or Crow or anyone else on that list.
[ he looks up ] I knew I had to own up to what I'd done. A part of me that knew what I'd done was right and that I had to declare it to everyone. It wasn't a part of me that I wanted anything to do with at all.
[ his eyes stares at him, red-rimmed. ]
I should have just let them all see. I should have shown them.
[ and he pulls at the turtleneck he's wearing. shows vax the long, burned in scar across his collarbone. ]
it's at the end - when he sees the burn scar - that he finally just drops the knife. it lands with a clatter on the nebulous surface of the ground, and he makes his way over. what's percy going to do, kill him? he has three more knives.
he comes, and he grabs him by the front of the stupid turtleneck, and he just stares at him, dark eyes searching his face, like he's trying to find the words. ]
... You're a bigger fucking idiot than I thought you were, if you think it was you who wanted this. [ is what he finally says, and his voice cracks, dangerously, at the end - raw, with anger and pain and sorrow, sorrow so deep it threatens to swallow him whole. ] I know you're still in there - you piece of shit, I know you're still in there.
[ vax takes hold of his shirt and he is limp, like a kitten. he looks at him with his eyes wet and raw and he reaches up his hands to grab his wrists tightly. ]
I know. I know, I'm a moron. I'm an idiot. I'm a stupid fucking brat who waited until the eleventh hour to reveal my grand scheme.
[ he twitches. it looks... painful, like he's fighting. when he looks vax in the eyes, it's still him. it's percy. he strokes a thumb slowly over one of his hands, looks up at him. ]
I'm sorry I've placed this burden on you. But you're... you're one of my best friends, you know that, right?
[ he's a moron. he's a bastard, is what he is. a bastard, a fighter, a person they found in a prison cell all those years ago. vax stares at him as he says that, and his heart just fucking breaks, visibly, all over his face.
...
hed oesn't really care if percy tries to attack him, while he's prism possessed. he's lived on the edge of danger his entire life. for the first time tonight - the first tears spill from his eyes, and he bonks his forehead into percy's. it's maybe a little harder than it should be, but it doesn't matter.
he shakes him, again, just once, and then grabs the back of his neck and holds it. ]
[ vax grabbing the back of his neck is like the touch on the scruff of a kitten, but perhaps even better. percy feels like he's never been more calm, that the hand there blocks the thing clinging to his skin, sloughing it off slowly to crawl between his ribs and blossom, hatred for himself, for the thing inside him. ]
I'm sorry... I'm sorry I have to go...
[ and then he breaks. and he begs him to do the same, he trembles and clings to him sharply, embracing with fingers dug in deep where he hopes it won't hurt, where he knows his wounds aren't. ]
I'll be your brother again. I'll find a way. I won't let this be the last, I won't.
[ to die again? isn't that beautiful? part of him thinks it is, and there's a quiet ecstasy that fills him. ]
Even if it's pitch black on the other side, even if I cease to exist... will you write me a letter?
[ one of the worst things about percy is that he and vax are too similar.
some part of him aches with this because it resonates, so deeply - some part of him just desperately wanted to die, for so long in his life, that he knows that more than anything else. percy's apology, this time, feels genuine - especially because he knows that some part of him must feel relieved.
it twists in his gut. death isn't an end. you cannot dread it or avoid it, it simply is.
(how many times has vox machina avoided it?
how many times have they been resurrected?)
vax knows it's possible.
he swallows, and his throat clicks as he does, having to fight back the lump holding back his voice, that makes his words waver and ache.
i'll be your brother again. for how long? as a memory, as an echo. in a life he lived. he doesn't move his hand from the back of his neck, like he could just anchor this percy in place. ]
- you won't. You - you cannot fucking leave my sister. Do you hear me? I'll drag you out of there myself.
[ he's a paladin of the raven queen, isn't he? (she who despises undeath; but she who knows when fate is wrong, and this fate is wrong.) there's a low intensity to each word that comes out of vax's mouth now, a fierceness. ] I'll write you fucking letters - I'll drag you out of there kicking and screaming. I don't care what fucking demon I have to fight to do it.
[ he is held, and he is content, here in this dark place where at least vax'ildan... he's here. he's here for the moment, for a time. part of him stiffens suddenly in the spine, and then softens again as he swallows tightly and eases into the hold. ]
Never... never... I want to see Vex'ahlia again.
[ he shifts, turns so he can look vax in the eyes. ]
I want to see you again. I want to... fight dragons and witness the rest of our adventures. [ softly ] I want to... see the look on your face when I return from wherever your sister and I ran off. [ the tears, they prick hard at his eyes. ] I'm sorry... I'm sorry I put this burden on your shoulders, like you're not already carrying enough...
Now. Listen closely, Vax'ildan Vessar... don't try and take my death from me. Don't try and steal it with your clever fingers. You swear to me. Swear it on my family and on your sister. Hell, swear it on Vox Machina. Our family. Do it. Swear you won't steal death from me if it's us tomorrow?
it's - it's more hopeful, than it should be. the feeling of defying death is one all of them are familiar with, but it's one that doesn't make vax feel any better, right now. he has to hold onto it, the faint flicker of a flame that hasn't yet gone out.
(and weirdly, it's someone else's words, that echo.
i always survive, despite my best attempts otherwise.) ]
... Yeah. [ it's rough. it's just a word, at first - close like that, he'll see his head shake, imperceptibly. it shouldn't have been yours in the first place, but i won't. this should have been vax. it should've...
... ]
...I don't break promises.
[ not about trust. about the lack of it percy once had, and the remainder that he gained. as percy pulls back from him a little, vax reaches up and unclasps something from around his own neck, staying close but freeing up his hands. he doesn't move fast. ] You - you better fucking promise me that you come back.
[ even if there's some kind of fucking endless void. vax doesn't believe in that. he's a paladin of the raven queen, he believes in fate and he believes in well timed cut strings, and this is not one of them.
he puts the necklace he's been wearing - the silver raven skull - around his neck. fucking crow that you are. ] Do you hear me? This is not your future. I'll do what you ask of me, but you come back. For Vex, for Keyleth, for me. You come back.
[ it sits heavy around his neck, that skull, it takes a familiar place there now at the center of his chest, and for a moment, percy can't breathe. he looks at vax, and he'll see it in his eyes—it's a flash of rage (unwilling to cope) then a flash of coldness (assessment) and then he's percival again (but you can call him percy) and he's digging his fingers into his clothing, he's knocking their foreheads together hard, and he's letting the tears fall where they may between the both of them.
his mouth trembles. ]
I know. I know it's not—this? This is wrong Vax... all of it is wrong.
[ softly, wearily, he grits his teeth and his voice whispers out ] I know you, I know you'll try something stupid anyways. And I hate that... I hate that, please...
[ his voice wavers, suddenly sharp like shards of shattered stone ]
... Please don't...
[ softer ] I want to be remembered for who I was and not what I became...
[ it is wrong. watching percy like this is awful - seeing him struggle like he did over orthax all of those years ago makes vax want to scream, want to take this prism and wring it through his bare hands, wants to shake percy until this fucking thing comes out of him. this is wrong, percy says.
yeah, of course it fucking is.
as percy bonks his forehead into his hard, he grabs the back of his neck again. the chain of the necklace he was wearing touches his fingertips, and he holds onto it until the metal digs into his skin, like a reminder.
it always comes back to this, doesn't it? "i want to be remembered." it was like that with buzen. vin, even - sometimes you shouldn't have to just remember someone. ]
You will. [ it's quiet and so fierce, as vax lets percy hold onto him, lets his nails dig crescents into his feathers and his armor, pulls back just enough to look at him with all of his usual intensity, with the words between them that always seem to go unsaid. ]
[ something tumbles out, though. vax, always, heart too big for his mouth. ] I'm going to see you marry my sister, you bastard. We're going to kill Raishaun, and Thordak, and we're going to save Tal'dorei a hundred times over. [ i can't tell you my future, vax had said, but right now, it feels like a necessity. ] We're going to fucking kill a god, Percival. Okay? We're getting out of here.
[ he meets his gaze as he speaks, and with each declaration, percy finds himself closing his eyes, lulled by declarations of war against dragons, against gods, all for tal'dorei. he thinks of every place they've already set foot—every city, every plane of existence. his body grows still, a quiet calm.
vax'ildan doesn't need his sister to take the mask off right now.
he's done it himself. every line smoothed from his face for a long, placid moment. there's peace here, in this dark, crumbling place, a perfect prison for him. time doesn't feel real here, everything is liminal and still, and he only has his thoughts.
his hands lift and he finds himself holding vax's face, thumbs presses against his cheeks(face) ]
[ softly: ] I don't know what will happen when I die. But I have no fear for it. All I know for certain is that [ and... he smiles. truly. ] We're Vox Machina... of course we're getting out of here.
he seems calmer, at least. vax isn't that good at this - he never has been that good at comforting, or even really talking to percy. their similarities meant that they clashed, butted heads, as percy shattered vax's tentative trust and they had to rebuild the pieces. but, even if he's not great at it, he's always kept going, and he takes the placid moment for what it is.
he lets percy hold his face. he's not afraid.
and when he looks at him, and percy smiles, he does too - and for the first time since the trial, his eyes well up, but these tears are just a little less grief, a little less anger. of course we're getting out of here. ]
I fucking love you. You know that? I do. [ because he might as well say it. vax isn't shy with these admissions - he never has been, always wearing his heart on his sleeve. ]
[ the words don't feel real, but do they ever feel real?
his thumb traces a tear that tries to track its way down from vax's eye, smoothes it back as he searches his face for the words, as if he's dropped them and they've shattered into thousands of pieces. but then... well.
he leans forward, a breath away. when he swallows again, it's audible, the working of his jaw a soft click. ]
I love you too... you're insufferable. And you're too much like me in so many ways that I wish we weren't. [ he kisses him. right there. it's quiet, soft, and he holds it for all of three heartbeats' length. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
sat in a corner, whatever can be called a corner, his arms folded over his knees until he can see the pale blur of vax's face and he looks up.
his eyes are red.
he twitches quietly in the dark for a long moment before grabbing his head, and then... ]
My apology would mean nothing to you.
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... eventually, icy. ]
What are you apologizing for?
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[ literally. figuratively. he twitches again and a hand, his own, grabs at his hair, pulls tightly until the knuckles are white. ]
I can't. I feel it. It's inside me.
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[ this is so sharp - so, so fucking sharp, like the edge of a knife, like the one in his belt. he could just do it now.
... but he sees vex'ahlia in his mind's eye, and he can't.
he grips the knife, anyway. ] You can't what.
no subject
he watches, the hand on his knife. he waits. ]
I can't escape it, Vax... it's...
[ he growls, twisting a handful of his own hair in his hand. ]
I said. It's. Inside me. Whatever this is. It's... it's here.
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this is not -- it's not the first time he's seen percy like this. that just makes it worse, doesn't it. for not the first time, either, he desperately, desperately, wishes vex'ahlia was here. vex would be able to fix this. she'd know what to do. she wouldn't - she would be able to -
(the first solution to this shouldn't be murder. i don't think so, either.
take off the mask, darling.)
but vax'ildan isn't as soft as vex, is he? he's not as well rounded, his hands are crueler, his memories colder, and he can't just convince percy to come back home. he just stares at him for a moment, like that, holding the knife - heartbeat ratcheting up in his throat, and the taste of something in his mouth like fury. like fear. ]
[ his hand twists on the handle of the knife. ]
It's coming out. [ that's all, at first.
that string has to be cut.
there has to be another way. there has to be. ] You couldn't say anything.
no subject
From the time we began to... not long before the end...
[ quietly: ] I felt like what I'd done was right. The entire time. I watched and I helped and I waited and the time... it ticked downwards and I just knew that everything that I'd done was correct. Everything. And then suddenly...
[ he swallows, his voice caught. ] I knew it could only be me. Not you or Crow or anyone else on that list.
[ he looks up ] I knew I had to own up to what I'd done. A part of me that knew what I'd done was right and that I had to declare it to everyone. It wasn't a part of me that I wanted anything to do with at all.
[ his eyes stares at him, red-rimmed. ]
I should have just let them all see. I should have shown them.
[ and he pulls at the turtleneck he's wearing. shows vax the long, burned in scar across his collarbone. ]
no subject
it's at the end - when he sees the burn scar - that he finally just drops the knife. it lands with a clatter on the nebulous surface of the ground, and he makes his way over. what's percy going to do, kill him? he has three more knives.
he comes, and he grabs him by the front of the stupid turtleneck, and he just stares at him, dark eyes searching his face, like he's trying to find the words. ]
... You're a bigger fucking idiot than I thought you were, if you think it was you who wanted this. [ is what he finally says, and his voice cracks, dangerously, at the end - raw, with anger and pain and sorrow, sorrow so deep it threatens to swallow him whole. ] I know you're still in there - you piece of shit, I know you're still in there.
no subject
I know. I know, I'm a moron. I'm an idiot. I'm a stupid fucking brat who waited until the eleventh hour to reveal my grand scheme.
[ he twitches. it looks... painful, like he's fighting. when he looks vax in the eyes, it's still him. it's percy. he strokes a thumb slowly over one of his hands, looks up at him. ]
I'm sorry I've placed this burden on you. But you're... you're one of my best friends, you know that, right?
no subject
...
hed oesn't really care if percy tries to attack him, while he's prism possessed. he's lived on the edge of danger his entire life. for the first time tonight - the first tears spill from his eyes, and he bonks his forehead into percy's. it's maybe a little harder than it should be, but it doesn't matter.
he shakes him, again, just once, and then grabs the back of his neck and holds it. ]
You're my fucking brother, Percival.
no subject
I'm sorry... I'm sorry I have to go...
[ and then he breaks. and he begs him to do the same, he trembles and clings to him sharply, embracing with fingers dug in deep where he hopes it won't hurt, where he knows his wounds aren't. ]
I'll be your brother again. I'll find a way. I won't let this be the last, I won't.
[ to die again? isn't that beautiful? part of him thinks it is, and there's a quiet ecstasy that fills him. ]
Even if it's pitch black on the other side, even if I cease to exist... will you write me a letter?
no subject
some part of him aches with this because it resonates, so deeply - some part of him just desperately wanted to die, for so long in his life, that he knows that more than anything else. percy's apology, this time, feels genuine - especially because he knows that some part of him must feel relieved.
it twists in his gut. death isn't an end. you cannot dread it or avoid it, it simply is.
(how many times has vox machina avoided it?
how many times have they been resurrected?)
vax knows it's possible.
he swallows, and his throat clicks as he does, having to fight back the lump holding back his voice, that makes his words waver and ache.
i'll be your brother again. for how long? as a memory, as an echo. in a life he lived. he doesn't move his hand from the back of his neck, like he could just anchor this percy in place. ]
- you won't. You - you cannot fucking leave my sister. Do you hear me? I'll drag you out of there myself.
[ he's a paladin of the raven queen, isn't he? (she who despises undeath; but she who knows when fate is wrong, and this fate is wrong.) there's a low intensity to each word that comes out of vax's mouth now, a fierceness. ] I'll write you fucking letters - I'll drag you out of there kicking and screaming. I don't care what fucking demon I have to fight to do it.
no subject
Never... never... I want to see Vex'ahlia again.
[ he shifts, turns so he can look vax in the eyes. ]
I want to see you again. I want to... fight dragons and witness the rest of our adventures. [ softly ] I want to... see the look on your face when I return from wherever your sister and I ran off. [ the tears, they prick hard at his eyes. ] I'm sorry... I'm sorry I put this burden on your shoulders, like you're not already carrying enough...
Now. Listen closely, Vax'ildan Vessar... don't try and take my death from me. Don't try and steal it with your clever fingers. You swear to me. Swear it on my family and on your sister. Hell, swear it on Vox Machina. Our family. Do it. Swear you won't steal death from me if it's us tomorrow?
no subject
it's - it's more hopeful, than it should be. the feeling of defying death is one all of them are familiar with, but it's one that doesn't make vax feel any better, right now. he has to hold onto it, the faint flicker of a flame that hasn't yet gone out.
(and weirdly, it's someone else's words, that echo.
i always survive, despite my best attempts otherwise.) ]
... Yeah. [ it's rough. it's just a word, at first - close like that, he'll see his head shake, imperceptibly. it shouldn't have been yours in the first place, but i won't. this should have been vax. it should've...
... ]
...I don't break promises.
[ not about trust. about the lack of it percy once had, and the remainder that he gained. as percy pulls back from him a little, vax reaches up and unclasps something from around his own neck, staying close but freeing up his hands. he doesn't move fast. ] You - you better fucking promise me that you come back.
[ even if there's some kind of fucking endless void. vax doesn't believe in that. he's a paladin of the raven queen, he believes in fate and he believes in well timed cut strings, and this is not one of them.
he puts the necklace he's been wearing - the silver raven skull - around his neck. fucking crow that you are. ] Do you hear me? This is not your future. I'll do what you ask of me, but you come back. For Vex, for Keyleth, for me. You come back.
no subject
his mouth trembles. ]
I know. I know it's not—this? This is wrong Vax... all of it is wrong.
[ softly, wearily, he grits his teeth and his voice whispers out ] I know you, I know you'll try something stupid anyways. And I hate that... I hate that, please...
[ his voice wavers, suddenly sharp like shards of shattered stone ]
... Please don't...
[ softer ] I want to be remembered for who I was and not what I became...
[ barely there: ] I want to see you again.
no subject
yeah, of course it fucking is.
as percy bonks his forehead into his hard, he grabs the back of his neck again. the chain of the necklace he was wearing touches his fingertips, and he holds onto it until the metal digs into his skin, like a reminder.
it always comes back to this, doesn't it? "i want to be remembered." it was like that with buzen. vin, even - sometimes you shouldn't have to just remember someone. ]
You will. [ it's quiet and so fierce, as vax lets percy hold onto him, lets his nails dig crescents into his feathers and his armor, pulls back just enough to look at him with all of his usual intensity, with the words between them that always seem to go unsaid. ]
[ something tumbles out, though. vax, always, heart too big for his mouth. ] I'm going to see you marry my sister, you bastard. We're going to kill Raishaun, and Thordak, and we're going to save Tal'dorei a hundred times over. [ i can't tell you my future, vax had said, but right now, it feels like a necessity. ] We're going to fucking kill a god, Percival. Okay? We're getting out of here.
no subject
vax'ildan doesn't need his sister to take the mask off right now.
he's done it himself. every line smoothed from his face for a long, placid moment. there's peace here, in this dark, crumbling place, a perfect prison for him. time doesn't feel real here, everything is liminal and still, and he only has his thoughts.
his hands lift and he finds himself holding vax's face, thumbs presses against his cheeks(face) ]
[ softly: ] I don't know what will happen when I die. But I have no fear for it. All I know for certain is that [ and... he smiles. truly. ] We're Vox Machina... of course we're getting out of here.
no subject
he seems calmer, at least. vax isn't that good at this - he never has been that good at comforting, or even really talking to percy. their similarities meant that they clashed, butted heads, as percy shattered vax's tentative trust and they had to rebuild the pieces. but, even if he's not great at it, he's always kept going, and he takes the placid moment for what it is.
he lets percy hold his face. he's not afraid.
and when he looks at him, and percy smiles, he does too - and for the first time since the trial, his eyes well up, but these tears are just a little less grief, a little less anger. of course we're getting out of here. ]
I fucking love you. You know that? I do. [ because he might as well say it. vax isn't shy with these admissions - he never has been, always wearing his heart on his sleeve. ]
no subject
his thumb traces a tear that tries to track its way down from vax's eye, smoothes it back as he searches his face for the words, as if he's dropped them and they've shattered into thousands of pieces. but then... well.
he leans forward, a breath away. when he swallows again, it's audible, the working of his jaw a soft click. ]
I love you too... you're insufferable. And you're too much like me in so many ways that I wish we weren't. [ he kisses him. right there. it's quiet, soft, and he holds it for all of three heartbeats' length. ]