[ okay, well, he gets maybe a little mad on emet's behalf here, with an immediate, grumpy ] What the fuck is the point of time travel if you can't change anything?
[ somewhere, another man with a german accent and a voice that sounds suspiciously like vax's is sneezing
but he does get it. the just - unfairness of it all, the crushing weight of fate. vax exhales, noisily, gustily, unhappy. ] That's bullshit.
Their world, their life, would not exist if they came to stop the original calamity. Of course they did not come to change it.
[a hint of bitterness, there, at the idea of it. at that same crushing weight of futures predetermined. now that they know, maybe they can do something after all, but if they were pushed to such lengths-- to sacrificing their own, summoning a god--
he lowers his head, shakes it.]
But that calamity has come to their own time. It will all truly be destroyed, this time, if it is not stopped, and so have they come.
[ yeah, well!!!! he still doesn't like it!!! frowns!!!!
vax is all too familiar with fate, unfortunately, and the way it feels when it crushes down on your shoulders. he never even escaped it in the moments that he did. it's. it's odd, to see emet shaking his head like that, lowered, less proud.
...
he squeezes his arm where it's resting. ]
...Fate's a bitch. [ is his first, gut answer, quieter. ] ...'m sorry you're - 'm sorry you have to go through that. Doubt anyone ever said anything like that to you, huh.
[ nearby, another bubble is starting to bloom, though vax is currently unaware. ]
[he still doesn't pull his arm away. maybe he lets himself lean into it a bit, into that offered comfort.
emet-selch doesn't need the sympathy, he thinks. he has always done what he must. shouldered what he must. it is, probably, what will lead him down that path if this future does prove true. it's unnecessary.
...but vax is right. no one's said it.]
If it will be, despite all our efforts now that we are aware-- then it will be. [he says, quietly.] And I shall do my duty, whatever may come. But first, my duty is to do whatever we may to try to ensure their story never comes true.
[he's been warned about a threat, and as a member of the convocation, he must try to keep it from coming to pass. even if time cannot be disrupted in such a way. even if it cannot be stopped in the end. maybe it's just not true after all.]
...but it's not like he doesn't get it, either. after all, the threads of fate are what guided him to his position - moreso than he even realized, at first. because it is a duty, and his duty to the raven queen is the same, but a talk with vin earlier in the week shook something loose in his chest, and a tiny part of him has felt the same. that maybe it'd be nice, to have someone say, sorry that happened.
he's frowning, by the end of it, still, now out of swears or gas to be angry, just - sort of left rippling in the despair of such an unavoidable thing. as emet finishes, though, there's a little light of hope, there.
he squeezes his arm, gentle, and this time, the returned look is a softer one. not quite a smile, but a little lighter. ] 's more like it.
[ these crystallines, so logical and planning. vax likes to believe otherwise, sometimes. he likes to take great leaps of faith and fate, and he likes to do everything he can. that's what matters. when you go down, you get back up, or you go down swinging. he wants emet to be able to do the same. to take that risk, to chase that chance - even for the hint of a different future.
as he starts to say something else, though, a second follow up, a bubble presses against his hand. before vax has a chance to push back from it, though, it's too late.
... he looks at it, for a moment, and then smiles, a little wryly, grim. ] ...my turn?
[that softer look is something he doesn't quite know what to do with. he's seen it on others, sure, on hythlodaeus and azem at times, but from someone here--
it's unexpected. it feels like it pulls at something, a little bit.
but then there's that bubble, interrupting, and emet-selch looks at it with a furrowed brow before glancing back to vax.]
...your turn, it seems.
[but he says, first:]
If you do not wish to speak of it, whatever it may prove to be, then we will not.
[ he just makes an affirmative noise, at first. whatever it is, it...
... well.
why not just pour all the bloody parts of you out into the world's hands, right? vax takes a breath, reaches out, and gently touches his fingertips against the surface, to wash it with a deep marine. ]
[ you stand in a massive temple. lowly lit and made of dark black glass that transitions into a delicately, beautifully carved gray structure, almost as if it were made from ice and bone. a woman guides you, in long black robes, her face obscured.
"You walk with Her sight on you. You are ever welcome here."
you swallow, your heart racing. ] I've come to understand my place in Her sight.
[ the woman turns to you, and removes the shroud over her face - an older elven woman. she smiles, warm, "Then I think, perhaps, you are here for communion. Come. Our most sacred chamber - The communion pool awaits. Only you may have entry, unfortunately.
you look back. keyleth holds your hand - a red haired woman wearing an antlered crown, and a tiny gnome in silver armor stands beside her. you lean in, and kiss keyleth's cheek, and then do the same to pike, and you feel sick with anxiety and purpose and fear and adrenaline, but you say, ] I made my bed. Now I gotta lie in it.
[ and turn towards the guide, squaring back your shoulders.
the woman says, in that same soft voice: come, champion. The lady of Fates awaits."
and you begin to climb. up a set of staircase, out of sight of the waiting keyleth and pike. the woman takes you to a door made of massive wood, and knocks on it, twice. the door creaks, and as it opens, the room is flooded with light.
a massive, steepled dome stands before you, a chamber with ceilings a hundred feet high, and stained glass throws beautifully colored light across the floor, across three other figures with covered faces in death shrouds. it's like standing in a kaleidoscope, and the beauty of shifting reds and blues and purples and pinks and whites takes your breath away, so much so that you feel, for a moment, a tiny bit less jumpy, stunned instead by the beauty of something in a place so ice cold.
in the center of the room is a pool, perfectly round, and filled with a deep, crimson liquid. you look at it, and the anxiety comes back again, your heart leaping into your throat, but you say, slowly: ] ...I have come to pay a debt, and I do so gladly and without question. What would you have of me?
[ your guide gestures to the pool, and says, softly, "You have come to speak with the Lady. Well - the way is before you."
you look at the blood pool. you think of your promise, of the sight of the shadowy figure in the sunken tomb, of the armor suddenly heavy on your shoulders. this is the most terrifying thing you have ever done, vax'ildan, and you are not someone who scares easily.
but you take a deep breath, and take your first step forward, slowly. slowly. until crimson liquid touches your boots, and you step into it. It comes up to your ankles, to your knees. and what catches you first is that the liquid is very thick, viscous in a familiar way. this is most definitively a pool of blood.
and it is cold.
as you step in, you can feel that as it begins to seep into your boots and begins to find its way into the crevices of your outfit as you get down into your waist, it's just chilling. you can't help but to stand up straight as you step further in, not quite sure of how deep it gets.
And it gets deeper. And deeper.
Up past your chest, up past your shoulders, and you're not even halfway into the center of the pool before it's going past your nose.
you take a last, deep breath, and you submerge yourself.
and at first, there's nothing.
nothing.
nothing.
you can't hold your breath any longer and you give up - the need for oxygen kicks in and you inhale, and you think, i am drowning, i was drowning - and start to reach for the surface, trying to kick through the viscous blood, and at the very point when you think this is it, the cold, piercing sensation becomes warmth.
and in that sensation, that arresting little moment, you see a pinprick of white light, and you feel natural, and you feel alive, and the light grows and grows into a face. (watch to 1:15:48)
the memory fades as you resurface, coughing and gasping for air. ]
[the enormity of it strikes him, in the experience, and-- there is much to this that he understands, by his very nature. by both what and who he is, by the duty he performs, overseeing the flow of life throughout the world and the necessity of death. he knows well how fragile the time before entering the sea may be, too, and while he has never been mortal, never experienced mortality...
he can begin to imagine how much it must seem. emet-selch knows how most have reacted, to his explanations, how alien it is to all of them. but-]
...you understand its nature, then. Better than any other here.
[he says, quietly. placing a hand on vax's arm in return, just as he had done for emet-selch.]
[ vax exhales slowly as it passes. if he stays still, it feels like he can still feel the blood clinging to his clothing, can still feel the raven queen's cold lips against his forehead - welcoming, belonging, home. being suddenly told that you have a purpose when you've spent your whole life desperately seeking one was - it was a lot.
this is a memory that changed vax's life.
it feels oddly appropriate, to have shared it here. when emet says you understand its nature, he huffs a little, reaching up to rub his hand against his heart, absently. the other arm stays still though, and he ducks his head, then tilts it a bit to offer emet just a quirk of a smile. ]
...Told you.
[ they had a lot in common, after all.
it still sends a chill down his spine, but - the feeling of spending time with the raven queen hsa become so much more than a terrifying bath in a pool of blood and the precipice of fate. it's still a lot, even now, but to be the paladin of the raven queen, to be her champion - it is a position he calls his own. ]
'ssat right? She's pretty big. [ a little bit of teasing, there, something lighter. ]
[ heh. vax doesn't seem to mind that comparison - he just laughs, jostling a little into his side since he's still around. ]
Doesn't have to be that grim all the time. Might do you some good to loosen up a little. [ this is equally teasing, though, more seriously; ] 's like I said. I'm learning, still, but - death's death. It's a part of life.
[ it's part of why the thursday murders have effected him, but not so much that he's been distraught. it's really the cruelty of the sundays that have struck home. (maybe. emet's astute; vax's heart is soft, and he cares enough for others that sometimes its hard to remember the principles of his raven queen.)
though, as emet continues, vax tilts his head, trying to decide what he's referring to, and eventually touches on the raven queen's description of him. it makes him smile a little further, eyes crinkling. ]
Can't say I've always been a careful guy. She got me there. [ never. he has literally never been careful in his entire life. as evidenced by literally every decision vax makes, ever. ] But someone has to be risky. Stay still all your life, what does it get you?
[ugh, don't jostle him-- he just nudges vax right back. take that. :T]
What it gets you is an untimely death, most likely.
[huffs... but he's settling somewhat comfortably, by now.]
You and Azem would certainly understand each other. They heard of a volcano about to erupt, once, and leapt into it in their efforts to stop it-- used the concept of a spirit of fire and applied the ambient fiery aether to create it, thus draining the eruption of its energy. Had there been any flaw to their work, however, they would have found themselves deeply in trouble.
...it feels as if it is the sort of thing you might do.
godddds he's just thrown his head back and laughed, so, he has to wipe a fake tear from his eyes afterwards, delighted. ]
Small mercies. [ hooo. ] Think the time I transported inside of a dragon's stomach to try and punch a hole in it with an immovable rod shrunk down to half my size with my gnome friend might have the volcano beat, honestly.
[ he also will not dunk on his raven mom's assessment: "honey you're so stupid but you're so brave but you're so stupid" of him either bc it was right ]
[ unbelievable. he lolls his head back to grin at emet, confident, a little mischievous - aware, of his ridiculous fucking danger senses or lack thereof. ] Lived through a lot of stupid decisions and came out swinging.
[ not all of them - there were two in particular, a kraken and a disintegrate - the first saved by pike, and the second, by the raven queen herself. but otherwise? vax has dodged death with all of the graceful, nimble leaps you'd expect. ]
Stars only know how, if this serves as an example of what you consider to be a good idea.
[uGH. that stupid grin feels familiar, too, and he reaches down to brush a stray lock of hair from vax's face without entirely realizing the impulse is even there.
vax is used to having affectionate friends, honestly - he's used to people like gilmore, like pike, people who will reach out and touch with little worry or fear. vax isn't really all that different, so, maybe lucky for emet that he just lets it happen without any trouble, still grinning up at him, though it softens a little. ]
She'd say fate. [ the raven queen, anyway, the one who walks on the edge of fire. ] I'd say probably I'm just not afraid of much. [ ... ] Wouldn't go so far as to say they're good ideas, though.
[he lets his hand drop, clearing his throat quietly. it's fine. zero amount of flustered here, absolutely. do not worry about it.]
As you should. They aren't.
[a little eyeroll there, and i never established if he was sitting or not-- he is now, just sinking into the couch a little more. slightly more relaxed.]
Do you intend to simply rely on fate in all things, then? To do whatever comes to mind and hope it works, in the end?
relaxing is good! be relaxed. vax considers the question, for a moment, tilting his head thoughtfully. ]
It's worked for me so far, but I was doing that long before I knew it was fate. [ heh. ] Don't feel like I need to control anything before I go jumping in, before you ask.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ somewhere, another man with a german accent and a voice that sounds suspiciously like vax's is sneezing
but he does get it. the just - unfairness of it all, the crushing weight of fate. vax exhales, noisily, gustily, unhappy. ] That's bullshit.
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[a hint of bitterness, there, at the idea of it. at that same crushing weight of futures predetermined. now that they know, maybe they can do something after all, but if they were pushed to such lengths-- to sacrificing their own, summoning a god--
he lowers his head, shakes it.]
But that calamity has come to their own time. It will all truly be destroyed, this time, if it is not stopped, and so have they come.
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vax is all too familiar with fate, unfortunately, and the way it feels when it crushes down on your shoulders. he never even escaped it in the moments that he did. it's. it's odd, to see emet shaking his head like that, lowered, less proud.
...
he squeezes his arm where it's resting. ]
...Fate's a bitch. [ is his first, gut answer, quieter. ] ...'m sorry you're - 'm sorry you have to go through that. Doubt anyone ever said anything like that to you, huh.
[ nearby, another bubble is starting to bloom, though vax is currently unaware. ]
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emet-selch doesn't need the sympathy, he thinks. he has always done what he must. shouldered what he must. it is, probably, what will lead him down that path if this future does prove true. it's unnecessary.
...but vax is right. no one's said it.]
If it will be, despite all our efforts now that we are aware-- then it will be. [he says, quietly.] And I shall do my duty, whatever may come. But first, my duty is to do whatever we may to try to ensure their story never comes true.
[he's been warned about a threat, and as a member of the convocation, he must try to keep it from coming to pass. even if time cannot be disrupted in such a way. even if it cannot be stopped in the end. maybe it's just not true after all.]
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...but it's not like he doesn't get it, either. after all, the threads of fate are what guided him to his position - moreso than he even realized, at first. because it is a duty, and his duty to the raven queen is the same, but a talk with vin earlier in the week shook something loose in his chest, and a tiny part of him has felt the same. that maybe it'd be nice, to have someone say, sorry that happened.
he's frowning, by the end of it, still, now out of swears or gas to be angry, just - sort of left rippling in the despair of such an unavoidable thing. as emet finishes, though, there's a little light of hope, there.
he squeezes his arm, gentle, and this time, the returned look is a softer one. not quite a smile, but a little lighter. ] 's more like it.
[ these crystallines, so logical and planning. vax likes to believe otherwise, sometimes. he likes to take great leaps of faith and fate, and he likes to do everything he can. that's what matters. when you go down, you get back up, or you go down swinging. he wants emet to be able to do the same. to take that risk, to chase that chance - even for the hint of a different future.
as he starts to say something else, though, a second follow up, a bubble presses against his hand. before vax has a chance to push back from it, though, it's too late.
... he looks at it, for a moment, and then smiles, a little wryly, grim. ] ...my turn?
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it's unexpected. it feels like it pulls at something, a little bit.
but then there's that bubble, interrupting, and emet-selch looks at it with a furrowed brow before glancing back to vax.]
...your turn, it seems.
[but he says, first:]
If you do not wish to speak of it, whatever it may prove to be, then we will not.
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[ he just makes an affirmative noise, at first. whatever it is, it...
... well.
why not just pour all the bloody parts of you out into the world's hands, right? vax takes a breath, reaches out, and gently touches his fingertips against the surface, to wash it with a deep marine. ]
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he can begin to imagine how much it must seem. emet-selch knows how most have reacted, to his explanations, how alien it is to all of them. but-]
...you understand its nature, then. Better than any other here.
[he says, quietly. placing a hand on vax's arm in return, just as he had done for emet-selch.]
She would not be out of place among my kind.
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this is a memory that changed vax's life.
it feels oddly appropriate, to have shared it here. when emet says you understand its nature, he huffs a little, reaching up to rub his hand against his heart, absently. the other arm stays still though, and he ducks his head, then tilts it a bit to offer emet just a quirk of a smile. ]
...Told you.
[ they had a lot in common, after all.
it still sends a chill down his spine, but - the feeling of spending time with the raven queen hsa become so much more than a terrifying bath in a pool of blood and the precipice of fate. it's still a lot, even now, but to be the paladin of the raven queen, to be her champion - it is a position he calls his own. ]
'ssat right? She's pretty big. [ a little bit of teasing, there, something lighter. ]
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I expect most would not think it of you, to see how you behave.
[just a little tease in turn.]
But what she said of you-- I can see that. Frustrating as such tendencies may be, I suppose it suits you well.
[wantonly throwing your life before the flames, only to pull away in those last moments. it's so, so familiar.]
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Doesn't have to be that grim all the time. Might do you some good to loosen up a little. [ this is equally teasing, though, more seriously; ] 's like I said. I'm learning, still, but - death's death. It's a part of life.
[ it's part of why the thursday murders have effected him, but not so much that he's been distraught. it's really the cruelty of the sundays that have struck home. (maybe. emet's astute; vax's heart is soft, and he cares enough for others that sometimes its hard to remember the principles of his raven queen.)
though, as emet continues, vax tilts his head, trying to decide what he's referring to, and eventually touches on the raven queen's description of him. it makes him smile a little further, eyes crinkling. ]
Can't say I've always been a careful guy. She got me there. [ never. he has literally never been careful in his entire life. as evidenced by literally every decision vax makes, ever. ] But someone has to be risky. Stay still all your life, what does it get you?
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What it gets you is an untimely death, most likely.
[huffs... but he's settling somewhat comfortably, by now.]
You and Azem would certainly understand each other. They heard of a volcano about to erupt, once, and leapt into it in their efforts to stop it-- used the concept of a spirit of fire and applied the ambient fiery aether to create it, thus draining the eruption of its energy. Had there been any flaw to their work, however, they would have found themselves deeply in trouble.
...it feels as if it is the sort of thing you might do.
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Well.
I've leapt into a volcano before, so....
1/2
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[he says, a hand over his face.
but he sounds like he might be laughing in disbelief.]
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LOOK
HE'S DONE SOME WILD SHIT ]
I didn't do it alone, at least!
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[still! fuck! why does he keep ending up gravitating to people who are like this!]
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godddds he's just thrown his head back and laughed, so, he has to wipe a fake tear from his eyes afterwards, delighted. ]
Small mercies. [ hooo. ] Think the time I transported inside of a dragon's stomach to try and punch a hole in it with an immovable rod shrunk down to half my size with my gnome friend might have the volcano beat, honestly.
[ he also will not dunk on his raven mom's assessment: "honey you're so stupid but you're so brave but you're so stupid" of him either bc it was right ]
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[VAX'ILDAN, WHAT THE FUCK.
but it's not like, serious. mildly scandalized, but still with that hint of something lighter.]
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[ unbelievable. he lolls his head back to grin at emet, confident, a little mischievous - aware, of his ridiculous fucking danger senses or lack thereof. ] Lived through a lot of stupid decisions and came out swinging.
[ not all of them - there were two in particular, a kraken and a disintegrate - the first saved by pike, and the second, by the raven queen herself. but otherwise? vax has dodged death with all of the graceful, nimble leaps you'd expect. ]
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[uGH. that stupid grin feels familiar, too, and he reaches down to brush a stray lock of hair from vax's face without entirely realizing the impulse is even there.
then pauses.
oh. oops.]
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vax is used to having affectionate friends, honestly - he's used to people like gilmore, like pike, people who will reach out and touch with little worry or fear. vax isn't really all that different, so, maybe lucky for emet that he just lets it happen without any trouble, still grinning up at him, though it softens a little. ]
She'd say fate. [ the raven queen, anyway, the one who walks on the edge of fire. ] I'd say probably I'm just not afraid of much. [ ... ] Wouldn't go so far as to say they're good ideas, though.
[ yeah, ]
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As you should. They aren't.
[a little eyeroll there, and i never established if he was sitting or not-- he is now, just sinking into the couch a little more. slightly more relaxed.]
Do you intend to simply rely on fate in all things, then? To do whatever comes to mind and hope it works, in the end?
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relaxing is good! be relaxed. vax considers the question, for a moment, tilting his head thoughtfully. ]
It's worked for me so far, but I was doing that long before I knew it was fate. [ heh. ] Don't feel like I need to control anything before I go jumping in, before you ask.
[ ok that's definitely teasing. little shit. ]
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[that's a little more like his usual self, the grumpier banter.]
...nor do I believe I could ever truly operate with such a lack of restraint, myself.
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